Some things I learned from an evening spent with Nick Offerman (AKA Ron Swanson)

—“Woodworking is exactly like oral sex.”

—Nick sings and plays guitar to the tune of hits like “Build Your Own Canoe” and “Jesus Take the Weed.”

—His advice to mankind: “Just go out there and bake some kickass cornbread with poblano chiles and blow your own fucking mind. “

—Nick allegedly lost his virginity to a Born-Again-Christian cheerleader in the bed of a self-made canoe on a river in Illinois 

—It takes 5 to 6 weeks to nurture a satisfactory Swanson stache. 

—“We live in a country where gays aren’t allowed to marry, but vegetarians are. Not only that, but vegetarians are allowed to vote, own property, and drink from the same water fountains as everybody else.”